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Over the last 12 months, I have collected and shared a few more than 2,300 jokes, funny book titles, memes and tweets, pro tips and random observations. Not long ago, one of my WGN-AM 720 listeners, Marge Sipla of La Grange, sent me her favorite 742. (I tell these jokes on my radio show, and she has been diligently curating, transcribing, categorizing and prioritizing them. I know ... ) From those, here are my top 25 laughs of 2023.
We could use some laughs, right?
1. My new SUV has a button that says rear wiper, and frankly I’m afraid to push it.
2. What did the elephant say to the naked man? Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
3. Oxygen and magnesium went on a date, and I was like OMG.
4. The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There will be no coughin’ at his funeral.
5. Bartender says we don’t serve time travelers here. Time traveler walks into a bar.
6. Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and says, “Have you read Marx?” The other says, “Yes. It’s these damn wicker chairs.”
7. The doctor handed me a cup and said, “Urinate.” I said, “Thank you. My wife says I’m a six at best.”
8. My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
9. If I’m ever on life support, just unplug me and then plug me back in real quick and see if that works, OK?
10. Ego and Super Ego walk into a bar. Bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some ID.”
11. I thought I was the world’s greatest lover until I found out my wife has asthma.
12. I was walking through a quarry the other day and said, “That’s a really big rock.” The foreman said, “Boulder.” So, I puffed up my chest and said, “That’s a REALLY BIG ROCK.”
13. If you think lima beans are good, you should try literally any other food.
14. My proctologist gave me two big thumbs-up, which I did not appreciate.
15. The doctor says, “Don’t worry, Michael. Everything is going to be OK.” Patient says, “I’m not Michael.” Doctor says, “I know. I am.”
16. Judge: “All of your responses must be oral, OK? Now, do you know why you’re here today?” Me: “Oral.”
17. Yesterday, I got tattoos of Italy and France on my chest. So now, I have really sore Naples.
18. I just went on the Weight Watchers website, and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
19. The judge at the International Dachshund Show said, “There are no losers here today. You are all wieners.”
20. I got arrested for stealing a full set of encyclopedias. I said to the police, “Wait! I can explain everything.”
21. I called the incontinence hotline, and they asked me if I could hold. I said, “Lady, if I could hold, I wouldn’t be calling.”
22. Fun fact: If you sneeze and fart at the same time, your body takes a screen shot.
23. What kind of shampoo does the headless horseman use? Shoulders.
Chicago Tribune Opinion
24. Job interviewer: “Can you explain the gaps in your resume?” Me: “Yes, those are from the space bar.”
25. I got a call from a scammer who said, “I’ve got all your passwords.” I said, “Great. What are they? I’ll grab a pen.”
Those are my favorites. Starting Jan. 8, we’ll launch a 16-joke tournament, with a new bracket each day.
What was the big joke of 2023? And before you say a certain politician, coach, athlete or radio host, remember that there are many things you and I cannot control, and many of them are not good. But they don’t have to own us. We’ve got large brains and can both care about the world and, for a moment, step away from those cares.
Oh, to live in a simpler age, eh? Say, were history lessons in the Stone Age really short?
John Williams is a talk show host for WGN-AM 720.
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