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I was chatting with a group of friends recently when this topic came up.
“Although we all have different names, they have one thing in common,” said Mark. “If we go around the table, you’ll see they are all used in common English vocabulary and phrases. You mark my words. On your mark, get set, go!”
“I never thought of that, but you’re right,” said Carol. “As soon as we get into the holiday season, all I get is comments like, ‘What’s your full name? Christmas Carol?’ or ‘What are you doing for Christmas, Carol?’ People think they’re so funny but let me tell you, it gets old real fast.”
“Oh, I feel you,” said Eve. “Merry Christmas, Eve. Happy New Year’s, Eve.” Everyone says it like they’re the first person to come up with the joke.”
“At least your problems are only seasonal,” said Jack. “I get it all year round, especially working as a motor mechanic. ‘You got the jack, Jack?’, ‘Jack it up,’ ‘Bet you can finish that job faster than Jack Robinson.’ Every single day.”
“Oh, get back in your box! At least you don’t have a name you have to live up to,” said Joy. “The trouble with hearing ‘Joy to the World’ constantly at this time of year makes me downright miserable. Even when I was little my mom would ask me, ‘Is Joy full?’ after every meal.
“When I was little, I was nicknamed G.I. Joe,” said Joseph. “I always got at least four of the dolls for birthdays and Christmas. Now I’m a cup of Joe, Joe Cool or average Joe. To be honest, I prefer this to sloppy Joe or Joe Schmoe.”
“I see what you’ve started, but that doesn’t apply to me, does it?” said James. Silence fell as everyone acknowledged James is not common in popular phrases.
“Oh, yes, it does,” said the woman sitting next to him. “Some people call you Jim. Come January, you’ll be hearing, ‘You going to the gym, Jim?’”
Everyone laughed, except Susan.
“At least the gym is usually a positive thing,” she said. “I’m either known as black-eyed Susan after the flower or lazy Susan after the revolving disc on the dinner table. Not very flattering.”
“At least they’re two strong nouns,” said the man next to her. “I’m destined to Peter out.”
“This is fun,” said Sam. “Let’s keep going.”
The woman next to Susan stood up.
“I’m sorry,” she said, clearing her throat. “But you try being a Karen in this day and age. I had no issues with the name growing up but now it conjures up images of ranting racists and intolerant rich people. I don’t know how that started but I’m nothing like my name. I’d switch with Joy any day.”
“Well, you are a little like that,” said Holly. “You can be, well shall we say a little….”
“Prickly, Holly? I think you’d know more about that than me.”
“Time to calm it down,” said Eve’s husband, Adam, joining the group with a tray of coffee mugs. “You know my nickname at school? Adam’s Apple! I’ll tell you, it was hard to swallow. Don’t know you from Adam. I’ve heard them all.”
Interesting as this was, I wasn’t sure Mark was correct — at least as far as first names go.
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“I’ve never had any problem with Hilary,” I said. “But Decent, well, that’s a doozy. Every person who says, ‘You’re very decent,’ has obviously never heard that particular phrase before. That’ll teach me to marry someone with a stupid name. Decent fellow, indecent, I’ve heard them all. It’s too bad my husband didn’t become a lawyer and teamed up with someone called Good.”
William looked at his watch.
“Well, time to get the bill,” he said. “By the way, I get it from two angles. Clean bill of health, that fits the bill. How about, ‘I will, will you?’, ‘I’m writing you out of my will, Will,’ and my personal favorite, ‘I’m losing the will to live.’”
We all laughed until the one person who hadn’t yet spoken stood up.
“I’m sorry but no one has it as bad as me. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom,” said John.
Hilary Decent is a freelance journalist who moved to Naperville from England in 2007.