‘There’s not balance:’ Single parents struggle with being the sole decider, caregiver and teacher

Lesa Donaghy was barely managing to juggle it all — a job, her college coursework and caring for her 3-year-old son.

And that was before this spring.

Then the pandemic happened.

The hits came like dominoes. She lost her work-study job. Her son’s day care closed. His therapy sessions went remote, which meant she had to work through her toddler’s treatment via video. Her son has autism.

All parents are facing challenges right now, but single parents have to be the sole decider — should my child attend school? see grandparents? have playdates? — and caregiver and teacher, without the benefit of someone to share the emotional and logistical work. Now that many children are remote schooling, single parents also shoulder juggling their children’s online schooling with working themselves.

For months, Donaghy, 29, kept up with her schoolwork, often staying up until 2 a.m. working on homework after her son’s bedtime.

“Trying to focus on homework during the day with him, it’s pretty impossible,” she said. “It’s possible, but it’s not easy.”

Her father has helped; she and her son moved temporarily from their Lincoln Square apartment, where she discovered black mold, to his house in Milwaukee. She is grateful for his help with her toddler, a happy boy who loves collecting sticks and watching videos of trains.

“They say mothers can never take a sick day, and it’s even more true for single mothers,” Donaghy said. “Even when you are, you have to be like come on, push through.”

Even before the pandemic, solo parents were experiencing challenges, said Juliana Horowitz, an associate director of research at Pew Research Center. She noted that Pew’s research shows a quarter of solo parents living in poverty; that number was even higher, 30 percent, for single moms.

Pew has no data yet on COVID-19 and single parenting, but Horowitz noted that many jobs lost have been in industries where women tend to work, and single parents without a college degree now face a difficult job market and the problems of managing child care.

“I think a lot of people might not realize what was happening even before COVID, so I do think that it is important context for understanding as we continue to look at how things evolve,” she said.

For Victoria Dietrich, the hardest time was this spring, when she was hospitalized with COVID-19. For two weeks, she was in the hospital, away from her 16-year-old daughter, who stayed home, alone. It wasn’t an ideal solution, but it was the only one she could see.

The entire situation made her worry about what parents with younger children do if they are diagnosed with the coronavirus.

“What are other single parents doing if they get the virus?” she said. “I didn’t have anybody who stepped up and said, ‘I’ll take your daughter.’”

And she feels even more alone in a situation friends do not share.

“I don’t know anybody else that might have to deal with this issue,” she said.

Facing fears of coronavirus exposure at schools, she also wrestled alone with the decision of whether to send her daughter back to in-person classes. It was a reminder that every decision, every financial obligation, is on her.

“There’s not balance; it is all-consuming,” she said.

Silver linings exist, like increased connection during time spent at home. Skokie single dad Steven Newman said the months at home together forged new bonds between him and his two daughters, ages 25 and 20. The three enjoyed cooking and “each other’s undistracted attention,” he said.

One daughter set up a pet grooming salon; another studied for medical board exams.

“Without COVID,” he said, the three of them “probably never would have developed a close working relationship in addition to our familial one.”

This summer, Donaghy graduated from her program at MacCormac College with a degree in paralegal studies. In her honor, the college announced a new program that offers single parents free tuition.

She plans to move ahead with a bachelor’s degree and perhaps law school. She wants to find a job this fall, before continuing school in the spring.

“I want to do things on my own,” she said. “I don’t want to depend on people.”

abowen@chicagotribune.com