Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask readers for “Updates” regarding their questions which have been published in this space. I enjoy communicating with readers, and, for those who have generously allowed their questions to be published, I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out.
Below is an update for a Q&A that was originally published in 2018.
You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.
Dear Amy: If a romantic relationship is emotionally draining, is this a sign of toxicity?
Or are all romantic relationships like this, to an extent?
My girlfriend and I have been together exclusively for four years, but she is my first girlfriend so I don’t have much to compare our relationship to.
Everyone says that “relationships are hard work,” but should I feel like it’s an emotional roller-coaster?
– Drained and Wondering
Dear Drained and Wondering: Here are some life-events that can be emotionally draining on a day-to-day basis: Raising an autistic child, losing a loved-one to dementia or caring for someone at the end of life.
Being in a romantic relationship should NOT be emotionally draining.
Yes, staying in an exclusive relationship can be hard work, certainly if you are currently experiencing other events or stressors that deplete you. But the relationship itself should not send you on a daily roller-coaster ride.
The romantic relationship should feed you. The relationship should be your soft place, your refuge and that safe and comforting thing that helps to fulfill you during those times when the world seems particularly crushing.
Even healthy and well-balanced relationships hit snags. But some people seem to enjoy relationship drama. For someone who likes drama, life might feel more vital when they are riding the relationship roller-coaster. Others don’t seem to know how to act in a way that is generous and loving toward their partner.
I suspect that if you ever left this relationship and subsequently found yourself with someone who was a better fit for your temperament, you would feel like that roller coaster you’d been riding had finally leveled out. You would feel like you were coming home.
Dear Amy: Here is my “update” on your advice: It took me three years to break up with this person, but in the fall of 2021, I finally did.
I did not realize I was being emotionally and psychologically abused.
I truly had to hit rock bottom and almost lose my relationship with my parents and my job to realize that I had to get out – but I did!
I view my choice to leave as live-saving.
I have not found my “new person” yet, but I’m free and happily living a beautiful new life that would not have been possible otherwise.
I think one thing that made it hard to follow your advice was my limited language – I didn’t know I was being abused, so I didn’t know to tell you that.
Instead, I sugarcoated it as “emotional roller coaster” and “draining.”
In fact, my partner even manipulated me with the language I used whenever things got tough, saying things like, “all relationships are work.”
And since I had limited experience and was desperate for love, I believed them.
I actually almost broke up with my partner not long after my letter ran in 2018, but they guilted me with threats of suicide.
My advice to anyone who relates to my letter is: Get out. Now. Don’t wait until it gets bad enough that you have to pack a “go bag” and involve third parties to feel safe. Just end it and don’t be manipulated. You’ll be opening up a new life for yourself.
I wish I had listened to you sooner, but it was not a black-and-white situation. However, your words were always in the back of my head when I’d tell myself, “You deserve better. It shouldn’t feel this way,” I was building up the courage to leave, and I’m so glad I did. Thank you.
– No Longer Drained and Wondering
Dear No Longer: Thank you so much for providing this inspiring update, as well as your own advice to anyone trapped in an abusive relationship. I believe your testimony could help many other people.
Any person involved in an abusive or violent relationship can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. Go to Thehotline.org (or call 800-799-7233) for helpful information regarding the nature of abusive relationships, as well as resources, ways to protect yourself, and how to safely exit. Available 24/7.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)