Dear Amy: Every year, with the help of my husband and six children, I throw myself a birthday party at a local roller rink.
It’s all I want: to party and rollerblade with my family and friends like I’m still young.
We rent out the entire venue and invite many families. We serve a handful of refreshments and play fun music. It’s a blast and I usually look forward to it every year, except this year.
I’m dreading it because one family (neighbors of ours) are just terrible guests. They bring extra people without asking, their four kids come blazing down the middle of the rink and have actually knocked people down before, and last year they took the water bottles from the refreshment table and were throwing them down the stairs to the front entrance, where they would burst open.
The parents never do anything about it and never offer to help clean up the mess their kids leave.
The problem is, they know I have this party every year.
How do I avoid inviting them when I know they are going to ask about it? I feel like my only option is to cancel it for a few years and hope they forget about it.
– Party Pooper
Dear Party Pooper: Yes, you could cancel your celebration and hope that these neighbors forget about it over the course of a few years.
You could also hope that this boisterous family would perhaps join a traveling circus and take their act elsewhere.
Or … you could simply not invite them.
If they ask you about it, you could tell them, truthfully: “We’re trimming the guest list down this year; we’re going to keep things smaller and more contained. Unfortunately your group isn’t included this year. Maybe some time in the future we’ll expand it again.”
I don’t suggest diving into the particulars about why they are being excluded unless they explicitly ask about it. The reason not to lead with your reasons is because if you do, then you might be forced into a dialogue about behavior that happened a year ago which you didn’t react to proportionally (or at all) at the time.
It might be worthwhile to see if the roller rink has a security person who might want to work an extra shift during your party. This would shift some of the pressure and responsibility for enforcing basic safety rules away from you.
Dear Amy: A couple of years ago my wife had an emotional affair with a guy named “Jerry” who played tabletop RPGs (role playing games) with us at a local comic shop. We separated for a couple months over her involvement with Jerry (as well as some other issues), but we worked things out and reconciled. Jerry is now married and has a child.
Now, the game has moved to our house every other Friday.
I run a game at the shop for one group, and she runs the other game at our house at the same time for her group.
I thought I was rid of Jerry, but my wife just told me he’d like to rejoin the group.
She knows I can’t stand this guy, or what happened, but she seems excited that he’s rejoining.
I know if I tell her I don’t want him in the house it’s going to start a huge argument.
Any advice?
– Played
Dear Played: This relationship has already been the catalyst for a separation between you and your wife. Regardless of “Jerry’s” current marital status, your wife should respect the acknowledged risk to her own marriage and decline to spend time with him regularly.
You might find over time that the trust between you and your wife has been completely restored and the risk of this outside relationship has faded. That would be the time to allow Jerry back into your gaming circle, and for you to consider ways to tolerate his presence.
You might call an audible here and suggest that Jerry is welcome to rejoin the Friday gaming group, but that he should attend the one that you run at the store, versus the one your wife hosts at home.
Dear Amy: I appreciated your gentle rebuke of “Incompatible,” the “smartest guy in the room,” who had no patience for his elderly in-laws and for whom counseling didn’t work.
This man might be smart, but until he develops some humility, he’ll be very lonely.
– Been There
Dear Been There: His intelligence was matched by his cluelessness.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)