Dear Amy: My son married a wonderful woman several years ago. They have a 1-year-old child.
I genuinely like her side of the family and have a good relationship with her mother, “Marianne.”
My issue is with Marianne’s financial irresponsibility, which is an apparent generational ingrained pattern.
My son and his wife just purchased their first home. They both make enough to pay the bills – but just barely.
Her mother has a good career and makes very good money at her job.
However, she has very little to show for it, with no savings or home ownership.
There are many examples of her being impulsive and wasteful.
The issue is her regularly needing and asking for help with her bills or unexpected expenses.
If she was less impulsive with her spending, she wouldn’t have to do this.
This puts a burden on my son and his wife and creates friction.
My DIL’s extended family are in no position to help.
I so badly want to say something when I hear about her circumstances and how they helped with her most recent “issue,” but I don’t.
I’d like to tell them to stop doing this, but I don’t.
Is there anything I CAN do?
– Stewing in Silence
Dear Stewing: The only thing you can –and should – do is to clearly state your own boundaries regarding finances and to outline your ability or willingness to help your son and his wife.
The reason to do this is because if your daughter-in-law’s mother siphons money away from the younger couple, they might end up coming to you for an emergency bailout.
Even if this style of money mismanagement and financial irresponsibility isn’t an ingrained generational pattern, it does become a generational problem when loans or bailouts create financial hardship for the giver, because they will then kick the problem down the road – possibly, to you.
State your intentions very clearly: “I’m sorry you are in this position. This creates a lot of financial pressure for you. I hope you understand that I don’t want to be put in the position to bail you out. I am very fond of Marianne. I don’t want to be ungenerous or unkind, but I am not willing or able to help finance her life. I hope you two can protect your own financial future.”
Here’s a book you might recommend (or give) to your son and his wife:
“Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances,” by Cameron Huddleston (2019, Wiley).
Dear Amy: I’ve been married for three years. Last year my folks gave me and my husband DNA testing kits for Christmas. My husband participated in the process and has been very interested in the results.
I have decided not to.
I was adopted as a newborn and was raised in a great family. I have never known anything about my biological family and so far I am fine with that.
I am mixed-race (my husband is white), and he is pushing really hard for me to learn more about my DNA heritage. It is starting to feel uncomfortable.
I’d appreciate your point of view.
– Confused
Dear Confused: When it comes to your body, your DNA, and your family history, my view is that you alone own the right to make decisions.
These tests are marketed as swell holiday gifts, and DNA disclosures have offered up many fascinating experiences and new relationships.
However, there are myriad issues that arise with DNA collection, and for people who were adopted, these issues are multiplied many-fold.
You don’t say why your husband is so keen for you to have this done (is he wondering about the racial identity of children you two might have?), but if his pushing for this is pushing you away, you two should take this issue to a professional counselor.
In my opinion, your husband is not respecting a fundamental right for you to make decisions about your own body.
Dear Amy: “Sad Grandma” was worried about how to deal with her daughter and very active 3-year-old granddaughter during a 10-day visit.
When I taught preschool, we made sure to get the children outdoors or in the gym for an hour in the morning, and again in the afternoon. Having some time to use up their energy makes it easier for them to be patient and focus during indoor activities.
– Former Teacher
Dear Teacher: “Sad Grandma” was entirely focused on her own needs. I appreciate your sage suggestions.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)